Darkness

In the vast darkness, I find me. Picking up broken and shattered pieces of myself, fumbling for them in the black, sometimes I cut myself. I suck the blood off my finger as I continue searching.

It’s hard to know who you are in the dark. When you can’t even see your own face in a mirror, how can you know? When you’ve lost pieces and are scrambling to retrieve them, even when you don’t really know what you’ve lost, especially.

Relationships are the main culprit, often taking and taking but never giving back. Friends turn you into someone you’re not because you are what you eat, so to speak, and if you’re eating sadness and depression, you become sad and depressed. Partners turn you into someone you’re not because you want to please the person that you love, even if that means becoming less of yourself. An endless cycle of losing your identity to please others and make them feel good, instead of yourself.

Even if it isn’t obvious, even if you are in love or best friends forever, it can be hard to remain yourself. To keep looking in the mirror and see YOU, rather than a combination of the other people that make up your life and your being.

This can be good, if the personality you are inhabiting is better than your own. Or it can be debilitating.

Now you care about things you have never cared about before, like boyfriends or…mostly boyfriends. And you spend long hours in the dark together crying about boys that you don’t even really want to deal with. You’d rather watch TV or play a video game, but she’s crying about the boy next door and you’re over and you want to do SOMETHING with her, even if it’s horrifically depressing. You can’t just abandon her at her own house when she’s sad or obsessed (but you have). So you obsess too.

Now you care about recycling and how many plastic bags you use at the grocery store. She’s made you more environmentally conscious and you’ve watched videos about how plastic is destroying our environment and all the beautiful and unique animals that inhabit it. Now suddenly what you do day to day actually feels like it makes an impact.

Now you don’t care so much about money. Because of him, you realise it’s a vice and you can’t take it with you, so just pick up that sushi or sweater now and again, and just don’t worry so much, okay?

Now you struggle to get them off their bed. Sad and crying again and all you wanted to do was make tea and watch a TV show and then go to the mall. That doesn’t matter to them, though. They can’t fathom getting out of bed, so what does it matter if you spend your day sitting there beside them in the dark, hardly talking, when you could be enjoying the sun and having fun? You can’t leave them though, cause that would be a jerk move.

And then I’m left scrambling to pick up the pieces of myself that matter, while I drown in someone else’s depression. I rejoice in the people in my life that make me a better person, that give me pieces to add to myself, rather than taking what I know and throwing it into a dark corner, lodging it in a wall that I can’t seem to pull it from.

When someone is throwing or dragging away pieces of you, it’s time to leave THEM in the dark. Turn around and walk away, as far as you have to walk before you can’t even see their silhouette anymore. Step through your own darkness, don’t double the darkness with someone else’s weight on your shoulders. Something that is not yours to bear. The weight will crush you and change you into someone you never thought you would be.

It’s not worth it.

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