broken

All this is unbearable.

How can I keep pretending that I’m all right when things fell apart so fast and hard that I didn’t even have time to think before they hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces? Tell me that, oh great and powerful Google.

I spend years scraping together something called ‘best-friendship’ and then I do one thing wrong (but honestly not even that wrong) and it’s like something snapped and shattered, shaking everything I thought I ever knew.

Like, how can someone I’ve known and been friends with for NINE YEARS just walk out on me? Sometimes when I think about it too much it feels like I’m scooping out my heart with a spoon.

I never knew you. Not at all. Everything was fake wasted useless nothings piling up on top of each other until it all came tumbling down like the recycling you never took out.

You play the victim card so well, even though it was me who was hurting all along.

I swim through my own subconscious and search endlessly for a meaning, a reason, a thought that will force it all to make sense. But I just come up gasping for air.

I am angry and hurt and frustrated and there seems to be no end in sight. Just a thought or glimpse throws me back into the whirlpool and spits me out however long later, clothes torn and hair matted.

Ways to deal. Ways to deal. Ways to deal? Write angry words on a big white page. Check. Fill brain with wedding details. Double check. Appoint new best friend. Check.

Then why do I still feel this way?

 

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